Insomnia

I read once that a poet - Heaney - once wrote "I [write] to see myself, to set the darkness echoing.". And tonight that is what I need to do. Write to set the darkness echoing, to set it echoing from me.

Sometimes there aren't words loud enough, there aren't words resilient enough to reproduce how I am feeling. I need words I can fling myself at, that I can rage against, on which to beat my fists relentlessly. I am like a child, so incapable of linguistic expression the only thing I left is an outburst of physical activity. To cry until there are no more tears, til my body and mind are worn out from weeping. And then to sleep, and wake with no recollection of the previous events, to enjoy tomorrow with its castles and sandpits, toy trucks and hats.

Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and count to 5 (I can never manage 10) or 3, or 1. Put strength back into my legs (I'm never sure how I manage this) and keep going.

Sometimes I don't want to.

There are so many self-help guides around us, from dieting to mental health, we've got it all. But where emotional and mental problems arise, I get stuck between secular 'self-help' stylee bumpf, and the church. How can anything that does not explicitly mentions God or Jesus be of any use to me or anyone else? Surely what I need to be fixed is a good bashing with a bible or two, and maybe a couple of hours of solid prayer? Yes, if only I could concentrate for that long, I'd be sorted. Just drum in some scripture and I'm on the road to perfection. Ha ha, who am I kidding?!

Our culture is so wrapped up with perfection, with the right 'can-do' attitude that solves everything, the perfect hair gel, your dream job, his dream car. It's so easy to apply this to christianity as well, to use the bible as a tool, or even a weapon against our misgivings and troubles. In one sense this is entirely right: the word of the LORD is our sword. But to constantly use it to berate ourselves and to try to 'bash out' all our failings, surely that's not right?! The dilemma arises then, when we realise bible-bashing is not working, can we accept ideas such as simple positive thinking as a step to recovery?

I wan to say no: I'm happy bible bashing myself for the rest of my life. I don't need to get in touch with my emotions, what mess are you talking about?!

Happy? No, not quite.

Every atom of our body longs for enjoyment, comfort, sunshine, happiness, joy, creativity, love. These things are good. Yet how often do these things get sidelined!

The hardest thing I find is learning to live. My body keeps pumping blood, my lungs keep breathing air, and people around me make sure I am ok. Hospitals are on hand if there's ever an emergency, paramedics standing by with oxygen and blood should my (or anyone elses) body begin to fail. If our minds fail, it's off to the psychiatrist. We have every precaution covered to ensure that we do not die. But what about living?

My soul cries out to live. It hungers against depression and tiredness, and longs to run, run down deep green hills, to leap in the sun light and dive into cool water. And I don't know how to satisfy it. This God-given longing cannot be satisfied with bible bashing, it needs creation, joy, light, nourishment. I need the 'secular' can-do positive thinking relax therapy as much as I need spiritual encouragement.

It is good to feel alive - all of creation is under God's hand, therefore which ever part you enjoy you are enjoying it in him. You will be alright.