"Here you are,

Down on your knees.
Trying to find air,
To breathe again."

Hear me, please.

I. am. tired.

Confused

Real or not real?

Real, or Not Real?

REAL OR NOT REAL?!?

I Dreamed A Dream...

"... of times gone by. When hope was high, and life worth living. I dreamed that dreams would never die, I dreamed that love would be forgiving.

But the tigers growled at night, with their voices soft as thunder..."

When hope was high, and life worth living. I dreamed dreams. I now I've stopped, and I'd barely realised. Too used to it not happening, too certain of nothing.

Is it really time to dream again? Is there still hope, and life worth living?

Real or Not Real?

Right now, is why I need to play this game.

The scary things are All About Me.

Not Real. 

She's angry/disgusted/concerned by me.

Not Real.

Everyone knows all my worst secrets.

Not Real.

This game is pointless...

Not Real.

I had apple crumble at lunch.

Real.

I have permission to be myself.

Real.

I need permission to be myself?

Not Real (I think)

I am calmer than when I started this.

Real.

She will be disappointed/sad/annoyed that I want to join in.

Not Real.

I still feel worried.

Real.

Worrying makes me a failure.

Not Real.

Dear You,

It's like there's an invisible tally chart - every hurtful thing you say gets notched up, and is irrefutable proof of my worthlessness, and your contempt and apathy. Not because it's you, but because it's me.

It's like trying to buy the perfect pair of shoes, but you're blindfolded and you don't know what your feet look like. I will be taking medication until I find the one that fits. Then I will continue to take it for as long as I can. Understand this!

Two numbers on a certificate does not change me, does not sort me out, does not mean I am 100%.

I try to be good. I do. All my life you've reminded me I have to be good and I try.

If I fail, you're all there to let me know. So I have to do well, and I have to make sure I've won. 

I'm more fragile than you think. 

Every good thing I do, you tear to pieces. I am my own worst critic, I don't need you to join in as well. But you miss understood, and you patronise me now. 

You watched on when others hurt me, because I'm bigger and older you say it's fair when this happens. 

You say I'm negative, that I can only think of the bad, that my vision is skewed. If yes, why don't you help me? Why doesn't it make you wonder why I can only see the bad in things?

You are not special or unique in what you think of me. You are one of many. But of all of them, it was not supposed to be you. It was not supposed to be you.

And I can tell you none of this.

Paper, Scissors, Stone.

Paper: meek and humble, less-of-me-and-more-of-Him, lying closer and closer to the ground while the steam roller train of His glory runs me over and I & my life are nothing more and He is everything.

Scissors: wrestling and fighting and tumbling and tearing and screaming until final submission. Not hearing and not being heard, just allowed to rage, then, subside and bear the scars of battle.

Stone: standing tough and firm, unmoving and unobliging. This is where you deliver on your promises. Where you show me you can be trusted.

What would you chose? I choose to be a stone: to stand here and yell till you hear, to remind you of your promises and your goodness. To show you the emptiness around and demand that you save me. Show me you can be trusted, show me your love.

Build Me a Blanket Fort

Under the table,

Between the chairs.

Away from the noise,

The laughs, the stares,

Build me a Blanket Fort:

Beyond all the strife,

The pressure, the cares.

Somewhere I can hide

Build castles and cry,

Then wake in the morning

And know I'm alright.

Those Distant Bells

I don't remember when I first met you, but I bet you do. Did.

I don't know how many times you held me, took my photo, put up with me, but you loved it.

I don't know how many times we baked together, walked to the beach, collected plants or went shopping.

You gave me books, games and sweets. You told me stories, and fell asleep half way through when I'd worn you out.

I cried and cried when you left, I didn't, and don't, understand. I thought I did, I thought it was ok. But each time you come back up, I...

Somewhere, you're ok. Somewhere you're happy, and I'm glad.

One More Day

To live, and breathe and think again.

Collecting things to make me feel better:

Emails from a stranger friend on hope,

Texts from a friend letting me know all this is Ok,

Small bits of comfort here and there, like snowflakes on a burn.

Feeling the need to write.

It's been a long time since I did any blogging. I said to a friend today that writing doesn't help me, but I'd forgotten blogging. Not just as a way of pulling thoughts from my mind and letting them sit, but as a reminder of times gone by. I was reluctant to re start this blog as it's full of teenage angst and thought provoking posts that I'm not sure where they came from, but after all that's gone through my mind today I wanted to set some of it down.

Jesus loves me.

Loves me. 

Because he just does.

And I pulled a face and said no way he does. I mean, who could love this?!

But the funny thing is, he still loves me, even as I write this.

It's made me wonder what I mean by "I'm a christian". It's made me wonder a lot of things.

I pinned a quote today:

"It's impossible" said pride. "It's risky" said experience. "It's pointless" said reason
"Give it a try," whispered the heart.

What do you think? Give it a try?

Away...

I'm off for a year and as I have another blog for that time probably won't be around here much! you can find me at http://sallyisinparis.blogspot.co.uk/ :)

Still my favourite quote...

A Collection of Thoughts...

It's been a long time since I last posted, but after a conversation with a friend I thought I'd check out my blog again and have a reread of old posts. 

One of the things I discovered was how many good & inspiring song lyrics out there that there are...

Another thing I realised, is how real Jesus is. 

But how easy it is to run from him. 

While on Youtube I found this:

It's a well known classic, but today, the title alone made me stop and think. In Christ alone, I stand. In Christ alone. I stand not in what I do, eat, wear or say, but in Christ alone. 

Everything comes in seasons and I feel like it's the middle of winter. But I hope that I can remember what I've been reading & listening to, regardless of what storms & hurricanes blow my way tomorrow, and know that at this moment I want to make it to spring, to remember that right now I'm digging to find faith as small as a mustard seed to move mountains. 

I am not looking forward to next week. But through it all, belief and doubt, I stand in Christ Alone.

"In Christ Alone, my hope is found, he is my light, my strength, my song." - Stuart Townend & Keith Getty, In Christ Alone

"I've started falling apart, I'm not savouring life.... Take the pieces and build them skywards" - Biffy Clyro, Machines

"When shadows fall on us, we will not fear, we will remember" - DCB, Shadows

"Death laid love quiet, yet in the night - a stirring....Shine your light so I can see you, pull me up I need to be near you, hold me close I need to feel love, Can you overcome this heart, that's overcome" - DCB, Shine (SMS)

"And if you're broken I will mend you, and I'll keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on, I'm out of tough, I'm out of love, I'll pick you up when you're feeling down. And out of all these things that you've done, I think I love you better now..." - Ed Sheeran, Lego House

"And I'm so glad that this has taken me so long, 'cause it's the journey that has made me so strong" - Snow Patrol, Warmer Climate

"It's not the long walk home that will change this heart, but the welcome I receive with every restart" - Mumford & Sons, Roll Away Your Stone

"I can't do this all on my own, no I'm no superman" - Scrubs theme tune

"On and on we go, Well come love take my hand. On and on we go, Time and time again. On and on again, Back to where this all began, Come love take my hand Come love take my hand..." - Tenth Avenue North, On and On

"One tear in the driving rain...would you come close, and hold my heart?" - Tenth Avenue North, Hold my Heart 

"Though the struggles have been many, And the flesh inside me weak, Lord your grace and truth have taught me, My soul is well" - Jordan Dillon & Simon Brading, There's No Lack In All You've Given

"This jar of clay in all its weakness, Somehow inside dwells your fullness, Even though I'm not yet flawless,You are forming me... Valleys come and tears aren't dried yet and there are things I don't yet see, But I'll rejoice in spite of hardship, You'll watch over me." - The Michael Gungor Band, Grace for Me

"Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:

Who created all these?

He who brings out the starry host one by one,

and calls them by name.

Because of his great power and mighty strength,

not one of them is missing" 

Isaiah 40:26, The Bible

Foolishness

Those people who's hair is never out of place.


That girl who has the will power to stay that skinny.

That guy who gets up every morning to jog because he cares about his body.

That girl who spends spends spends and always has enough to pay someone else's bus fare, because she's that kind of friendly person.

That guy who got seriously ill at least once a term and still came out with a 2-1.

That mother who can one - handedly collapse the buggy whilst holding on to a struggling two year old and three bags of shopping and still hand the driver the correct change.

That guy who makes everyone laugh, except when you try it they're not laughing with you...

That girl who has folders so tidy you wonder how she has time to breathe.

But she does, and she has a social life, and she makes it every lecture, and she chills out at weekends, is always dressed nicely, is only ill when it's convenient, never has ink marks on her hands, always wears the right shoes when it's raining, never gets too hot even if it's way too sunny to be wearing a coat.

These people make me sick.

Why? Because I can't do it. Some days I can't even get out of bed, and when I do I meet these people. So perfect you want to wave your hand above their head looking for the halo. How do they even do it?! I haven't got the will power to resist a chocolate biscuit, let alone diet. I can't run up the stairs without wheezing, my hair will never do what I want it to do, people always catch me mid sentence in photographs, I can't go out to eat without spilling something on me, which inevitably I won't notice until the next day when it's dried on and I've got to spend the whole day with it stuck there.

It's frustrating! Why am I not like these people? Why can't I do it? If only I was perfect, I'd...

I'd what?

I'd be wasting my time trying to be who I am not. Which is probably worse than not being perfect, don't you think?

Insomnia

I read once that a poet - Heaney - once wrote "I [write] to see myself, to set the darkness echoing.". And tonight that is what I need to do. Write to set the darkness echoing, to set it echoing from me.

Sometimes there aren't words loud enough, there aren't words resilient enough to reproduce how I am feeling. I need words I can fling myself at, that I can rage against, on which to beat my fists relentlessly. I am like a child, so incapable of linguistic expression the only thing I left is an outburst of physical activity. To cry until there are no more tears, til my body and mind are worn out from weeping. And then to sleep, and wake with no recollection of the previous events, to enjoy tomorrow with its castles and sandpits, toy trucks and hats.

Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and count to 5 (I can never manage 10) or 3, or 1. Put strength back into my legs (I'm never sure how I manage this) and keep going.

Sometimes I don't want to.

There are so many self-help guides around us, from dieting to mental health, we've got it all. But where emotional and mental problems arise, I get stuck between secular 'self-help' stylee bumpf, and the church. How can anything that does not explicitly mentions God or Jesus be of any use to me or anyone else? Surely what I need to be fixed is a good bashing with a bible or two, and maybe a couple of hours of solid prayer? Yes, if only I could concentrate for that long, I'd be sorted. Just drum in some scripture and I'm on the road to perfection. Ha ha, who am I kidding?!

Our culture is so wrapped up with perfection, with the right 'can-do' attitude that solves everything, the perfect hair gel, your dream job, his dream car. It's so easy to apply this to christianity as well, to use the bible as a tool, or even a weapon against our misgivings and troubles. In one sense this is entirely right: the word of the LORD is our sword. But to constantly use it to berate ourselves and to try to 'bash out' all our failings, surely that's not right?! The dilemma arises then, when we realise bible-bashing is not working, can we accept ideas such as simple positive thinking as a step to recovery?

I wan to say no: I'm happy bible bashing myself for the rest of my life. I don't need to get in touch with my emotions, what mess are you talking about?!

Happy? No, not quite.

Every atom of our body longs for enjoyment, comfort, sunshine, happiness, joy, creativity, love. These things are good. Yet how often do these things get sidelined!

The hardest thing I find is learning to live. My body keeps pumping blood, my lungs keep breathing air, and people around me make sure I am ok. Hospitals are on hand if there's ever an emergency, paramedics standing by with oxygen and blood should my (or anyone elses) body begin to fail. If our minds fail, it's off to the psychiatrist. We have every precaution covered to ensure that we do not die. But what about living?

My soul cries out to live. It hungers against depression and tiredness, and longs to run, run down deep green hills, to leap in the sun light and dive into cool water. And I don't know how to satisfy it. This God-given longing cannot be satisfied with bible bashing, it needs creation, joy, light, nourishment. I need the 'secular' can-do positive thinking relax therapy as much as I need spiritual encouragement.

It is good to feel alive - all of creation is under God's hand, therefore which ever part you enjoy you are enjoying it in him. You will be alright.

Under Red Light

The beauty of a photograph is not always knowing how it will turn out.

Which shadows you will see, which lights patches will illuminate the page.

Even with a digital camera, where I can adjust, change settings, increase colour and light, I still don't know exactly what will happen when I press the shutter. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't.

I'd love to do real, old school dark room photography. To take off with a camera with limited exposures, capture the moment and then watch quietly, under red light, in anticipation of the picture.

One of my favourite photographs is one I found in an old box of photography kit from my uncle. It's a much younger photograph of my grandparents, as the shutter went off they were both laughing, my granny tilting back her head & enjoying the moment. It's a rare photograph of my grandpa too - not that he doesn't ever smile, but to see him laughing like that is not something that often happens. In some ways this is not a good photograph, my granny's eyes are shut, my grandpa was scratching his face. If you were looking for a studio-perfect family portrait, this isn't it. But it is so much better. And nobody could have known how beautifully it would have turned out unless they had taken the negative into the dark room and begun the laborious process of development.

I often find that my favourite photographs seem like the mistakes. The blurry ones, the wonky ones, that one that's slightly out of focus, or the composition was wrong and I got a bit of extra scenery. Or the camera settings were wrong, the colour was too high, not high enough...

Day to day it's so easy to get caught up in the times when I make mistakes, to berate myself for doing one thing, or not doing it. I get cross when I forget something, frustrated when I try to explain myself and noone understands, sad when things just don't turn out right. I despair when I can't pray, I lose hope when there's noone to turn to. I know that I should trust in my Saviour, but some days, it just seems too bleak, too impossible. Much like developing a photograph, I don't know how this living will turn out. I start to think, is it even worth the hassle? What's the point? Why am I doing this?

But who would go to the trouble of taking a photograph, to then ignore the film and refuse to develop it? The process might be long, it might be dark, but it is the end result that is worth it. Under red light the photo becomes clear, the picture is perfect. Under red blood, we become clear, we become perfect - redeemed in his sight. In photography, even the mistakes can be beautiful. In life, God works all things for the good of those who trust him. Even the bad, messy, black bits. He is the ultimate photographer, the one who will labour intensely for hours to develop a beautiful, beautiful image. He will not leave the process halfway through, or discard a page because it might not turn out right. He lovingly restores all things. I can be confident that my photograph, his plan for me, will turn out alright - more than alright - perfect.

Things That Make Me Smile...

26 Happiest Animals, #19

Secret To Happiness: An unabashed sense of wonder at the everyday marvels that the world has to offer. 
Favorite Thing: Being a little owl.

Losing Touch or Gaining Ground?

I've been reading back over some of my recent-ish posts, and I'm wondering where I've gone. Where this person who trusted so easily, believed so surely and lived so freely has gone. 

All those times I talked about the light in the darkness... It seems I didn't know what real darkness was like.

I can't see how I had that much faith, how I could keep going. I'm not even sure I want to know. 

The fact is, I've fallen further than I thought I could, I've reached a place I never knew existed. And not only do I not like it, I'm struggling to see a way out. I'm struggling to understand this word 'hope' and to see it not overcome, but overcoming. 

I'd like to say that I wish I could just reread how I was, that I could somehow conjure up faith and strength, that it would be easy... and yes, I would like this, but that seems like a cop out, like a non-answer or like painkillers: they take away the pain but don't actually heal you.

I am so tired, mentally, emotionally, physically... but I don't want this to come from my head. The problem is with my heart and that's where I need to change my attitude. Heart change takes more effort than head change, but heart change gets to the problem, heart change sorts me out from the inside out. 

Heart change is hard. I hope you'll be with me, and give me strength to see you, to keep going.

Lately....

"And if you're broken I will mend you, and I keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on"

"I'm out of touch, I'm out of love...."

"I'll pick you up when you're feeling down"

"And out of all these things you've done, I think I love you better now..."

Chasing the blues away....