Losing Touch or Gaining Ground?

I've been reading back over some of my recent-ish posts, and I'm wondering where I've gone. Where this person who trusted so easily, believed so surely and lived so freely has gone. 

All those times I talked about the light in the darkness... It seems I didn't know what real darkness was like.

I can't see how I had that much faith, how I could keep going. I'm not even sure I want to know. 

The fact is, I've fallen further than I thought I could, I've reached a place I never knew existed. And not only do I not like it, I'm struggling to see a way out. I'm struggling to understand this word 'hope' and to see it not overcome, but overcoming. 

I'd like to say that I wish I could just reread how I was, that I could somehow conjure up faith and strength, that it would be easy... and yes, I would like this, but that seems like a cop out, like a non-answer or like painkillers: they take away the pain but don't actually heal you.

I am so tired, mentally, emotionally, physically... but I don't want this to come from my head. The problem is with my heart and that's where I need to change my attitude. Heart change takes more effort than head change, but heart change gets to the problem, heart change sorts me out from the inside out. 

Heart change is hard. I hope you'll be with me, and give me strength to see you, to keep going.

The most Beautiful Thing

"Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven — for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.”
...
Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.”" Luke 7:44-47,50

Someone wise once told me that no matter how I felt, if I praised God he would bless me. At the time, I really, really did not want to listen. "But you don't understand how I feel, you don't know how badly I've done wrong".

The truth of the matter is, however you feel & wherever you are, glorifying God is the most important thing - ever. The woman in this story was a sinner, she was accused of wasting precious oil, of being too unworthy to approach Jesus. Yet she was not blinded by her own iniquities but fully aware of the need to bless this man, Jesus.

This is not a post to dampen your feelings, to tell you to ignore them and paste on a smile as you try harder to worship. Luke describes how as she washed his feet the woman was weeping, for what reason we can only guess, but the fact remains that she came as she was - full to the brim of emotions & problems. Then Jesus describes her act as "a beautiful thing" (Matthew 26:10). And yes, what could be more beautiful than praising and anointing our Saviour!

Truthfully, this story is a hard one to follow. But it is told for a reason - "I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her." (Matthew 26:13). What reason? That we might know that we can come, broken as we are, and offer the simplest of praise. And it does not stop there. After being blessed by the oil & tears, Jesus turns to woman and wipes clean her sins, he forgives and restores her.

We can be so tired, so broken that we forget to praise, or even refuse to. It can seem like such an effort to turn weeping into joy, to actively 'have to' praise & glorify God, or guilt tripping ourselves into worship on a Sunday morning. I don't know exactly in what state this woman approached Jesus, but I know that she offered up blessings to him, and in return he blessed her with much more than she could have imagined. I know my own sinful soul, and I am so encouraged that my praise is not worthless, so encouraged that Jesus desires only my heart and my love of him, so encouraged that he accepts my praises - little or big, in sorrow or in joy!

So be encouraged, your praise is worth it in spite of your own failings. There are 10,000 reasons for your soul to sing, and put your hope in him, our Saviour and Lord.