Losing Touch or Gaining Ground?

I've been reading back over some of my recent-ish posts, and I'm wondering where I've gone. Where this person who trusted so easily, believed so surely and lived so freely has gone. 

All those times I talked about the light in the darkness... It seems I didn't know what real darkness was like.

I can't see how I had that much faith, how I could keep going. I'm not even sure I want to know. 

The fact is, I've fallen further than I thought I could, I've reached a place I never knew existed. And not only do I not like it, I'm struggling to see a way out. I'm struggling to understand this word 'hope' and to see it not overcome, but overcoming. 

I'd like to say that I wish I could just reread how I was, that I could somehow conjure up faith and strength, that it would be easy... and yes, I would like this, but that seems like a cop out, like a non-answer or like painkillers: they take away the pain but don't actually heal you.

I am so tired, mentally, emotionally, physically... but I don't want this to come from my head. The problem is with my heart and that's where I need to change my attitude. Heart change takes more effort than head change, but heart change gets to the problem, heart change sorts me out from the inside out. 

Heart change is hard. I hope you'll be with me, and give me strength to see you, to keep going.

Process or Product?

Does the Journey matter more than the Destination?

Or is it simply a means to an end?

You could argue either way I guess:

"And I'm so glad that this has taken me so long, 'cause it's the journey that has made me so strong"

"It's not the long walk home that will change this heart, but the welcome I receive with every restart"

If I walk to uni or get the bus there, either way I arrive at my lecture. So then the journey counts for nothing, I arrived all the same.

But if I walk I'm exercising and getting stronger, I can breathe in fresh air & arrive refreshed and ready to concentrate. And then the journey matters alot, it changes how effective I am at studying.

Ultimately my end goal is heaven. Whatever happens to me now is of little significance, I will still make it, I have been saved for eternity. How I live my life appears not to matter, after all it's not the long walk home that will change this heart... I could easily leave here & spend the rest of my days hiding out until the world ends or I die. If the end product remains the same no matter what, why bother with a journey?

Growing is part of the journey; asking, listening, drinking in the world, questioning, watching, learning, creating, loving, breaking & mending. These things are life giving, an innate desire of being human. If I don't take in the journey, how will I know when I've arrived? It's the journey that makes us strong, that teaches us how to live, to be alive. The journey is vibrant, colourful, messy & so worth it.

But which is more important? To simply arrive at the destination or to relish in the process of getting there regardless of where it is that I arrive?

I think the answer is....neither. I cannot deny myself the pleasure of living, to feel alive, hear the wind in the trees, soak up the sun & take shelter from the rain; but simultaneously I cannot forget the end result. To take joy in both...that would mean embracing all that is now & all that will be. 

Pursued by Joy

So much of my thoughts this term have been on the question of joy: what is it and how can I have it?

I looked for answers in every place I could, but still wasn't sure of what I knew.

To try and force a smile on my face, to read and read about Jesus, to go to church and listen, to try harder when I prayed, to push all anxiety to the furthest corners of my mind...the list goes on.

In some ways, I was totally unsuccessful. But why? I really want the joy of Jesus in my life, what's missing?

Looking back, my journey has not been completely unfruitful. I have learnt that joy is not just a fleeting feeling, something that can be evoked by the right emotions or only belongs to happy people, but joy is the deep and reassuring hope and truth that my life rests in the hands of Jesus Christ. Joy is knowing that however far I fall, his hands reach further. Joy is his glory, when I'm found in the desert place his is the stream of living water.

To be joyful is to know this, and to stand firm in his promise. But more than that, Jesus is joy, it is him who pursued me relentlessly this term, who went before me and came behind me in every situation. The joy is not mine, but his, and I share in that with no obligation to achieve anything.

"But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the LORD your God and obey him. For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath."

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us....Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal"