Foolishness

Those people who's hair is never out of place.


That girl who has the will power to stay that skinny.

That guy who gets up every morning to jog because he cares about his body.

That girl who spends spends spends and always has enough to pay someone else's bus fare, because she's that kind of friendly person.

That guy who got seriously ill at least once a term and still came out with a 2-1.

That mother who can one - handedly collapse the buggy whilst holding on to a struggling two year old and three bags of shopping and still hand the driver the correct change.

That guy who makes everyone laugh, except when you try it they're not laughing with you...

That girl who has folders so tidy you wonder how she has time to breathe.

But she does, and she has a social life, and she makes it every lecture, and she chills out at weekends, is always dressed nicely, is only ill when it's convenient, never has ink marks on her hands, always wears the right shoes when it's raining, never gets too hot even if it's way too sunny to be wearing a coat.

These people make me sick.

Why? Because I can't do it. Some days I can't even get out of bed, and when I do I meet these people. So perfect you want to wave your hand above their head looking for the halo. How do they even do it?! I haven't got the will power to resist a chocolate biscuit, let alone diet. I can't run up the stairs without wheezing, my hair will never do what I want it to do, people always catch me mid sentence in photographs, I can't go out to eat without spilling something on me, which inevitably I won't notice until the next day when it's dried on and I've got to spend the whole day with it stuck there.

It's frustrating! Why am I not like these people? Why can't I do it? If only I was perfect, I'd...

I'd what?

I'd be wasting my time trying to be who I am not. Which is probably worse than not being perfect, don't you think?

Insomnia

I read once that a poet - Heaney - once wrote "I [write] to see myself, to set the darkness echoing.". And tonight that is what I need to do. Write to set the darkness echoing, to set it echoing from me.

Sometimes there aren't words loud enough, there aren't words resilient enough to reproduce how I am feeling. I need words I can fling myself at, that I can rage against, on which to beat my fists relentlessly. I am like a child, so incapable of linguistic expression the only thing I left is an outburst of physical activity. To cry until there are no more tears, til my body and mind are worn out from weeping. And then to sleep, and wake with no recollection of the previous events, to enjoy tomorrow with its castles and sandpits, toy trucks and hats.

Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and count to 5 (I can never manage 10) or 3, or 1. Put strength back into my legs (I'm never sure how I manage this) and keep going.

Sometimes I don't want to.

There are so many self-help guides around us, from dieting to mental health, we've got it all. But where emotional and mental problems arise, I get stuck between secular 'self-help' stylee bumpf, and the church. How can anything that does not explicitly mentions God or Jesus be of any use to me or anyone else? Surely what I need to be fixed is a good bashing with a bible or two, and maybe a couple of hours of solid prayer? Yes, if only I could concentrate for that long, I'd be sorted. Just drum in some scripture and I'm on the road to perfection. Ha ha, who am I kidding?!

Our culture is so wrapped up with perfection, with the right 'can-do' attitude that solves everything, the perfect hair gel, your dream job, his dream car. It's so easy to apply this to christianity as well, to use the bible as a tool, or even a weapon against our misgivings and troubles. In one sense this is entirely right: the word of the LORD is our sword. But to constantly use it to berate ourselves and to try to 'bash out' all our failings, surely that's not right?! The dilemma arises then, when we realise bible-bashing is not working, can we accept ideas such as simple positive thinking as a step to recovery?

I wan to say no: I'm happy bible bashing myself for the rest of my life. I don't need to get in touch with my emotions, what mess are you talking about?!

Happy? No, not quite.

Every atom of our body longs for enjoyment, comfort, sunshine, happiness, joy, creativity, love. These things are good. Yet how often do these things get sidelined!

The hardest thing I find is learning to live. My body keeps pumping blood, my lungs keep breathing air, and people around me make sure I am ok. Hospitals are on hand if there's ever an emergency, paramedics standing by with oxygen and blood should my (or anyone elses) body begin to fail. If our minds fail, it's off to the psychiatrist. We have every precaution covered to ensure that we do not die. But what about living?

My soul cries out to live. It hungers against depression and tiredness, and longs to run, run down deep green hills, to leap in the sun light and dive into cool water. And I don't know how to satisfy it. This God-given longing cannot be satisfied with bible bashing, it needs creation, joy, light, nourishment. I need the 'secular' can-do positive thinking relax therapy as much as I need spiritual encouragement.

It is good to feel alive - all of creation is under God's hand, therefore which ever part you enjoy you are enjoying it in him. You will be alright.

Under Red Light

The beauty of a photograph is not always knowing how it will turn out.

Which shadows you will see, which lights patches will illuminate the page.

Even with a digital camera, where I can adjust, change settings, increase colour and light, I still don't know exactly what will happen when I press the shutter. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't.

I'd love to do real, old school dark room photography. To take off with a camera with limited exposures, capture the moment and then watch quietly, under red light, in anticipation of the picture.

One of my favourite photographs is one I found in an old box of photography kit from my uncle. It's a much younger photograph of my grandparents, as the shutter went off they were both laughing, my granny tilting back her head & enjoying the moment. It's a rare photograph of my grandpa too - not that he doesn't ever smile, but to see him laughing like that is not something that often happens. In some ways this is not a good photograph, my granny's eyes are shut, my grandpa was scratching his face. If you were looking for a studio-perfect family portrait, this isn't it. But it is so much better. And nobody could have known how beautifully it would have turned out unless they had taken the negative into the dark room and begun the laborious process of development.

I often find that my favourite photographs seem like the mistakes. The blurry ones, the wonky ones, that one that's slightly out of focus, or the composition was wrong and I got a bit of extra scenery. Or the camera settings were wrong, the colour was too high, not high enough...

Day to day it's so easy to get caught up in the times when I make mistakes, to berate myself for doing one thing, or not doing it. I get cross when I forget something, frustrated when I try to explain myself and noone understands, sad when things just don't turn out right. I despair when I can't pray, I lose hope when there's noone to turn to. I know that I should trust in my Saviour, but some days, it just seems too bleak, too impossible. Much like developing a photograph, I don't know how this living will turn out. I start to think, is it even worth the hassle? What's the point? Why am I doing this?

But who would go to the trouble of taking a photograph, to then ignore the film and refuse to develop it? The process might be long, it might be dark, but it is the end result that is worth it. Under red light the photo becomes clear, the picture is perfect. Under red blood, we become clear, we become perfect - redeemed in his sight. In photography, even the mistakes can be beautiful. In life, God works all things for the good of those who trust him. Even the bad, messy, black bits. He is the ultimate photographer, the one who will labour intensely for hours to develop a beautiful, beautiful image. He will not leave the process halfway through, or discard a page because it might not turn out right. He lovingly restores all things. I can be confident that my photograph, his plan for me, will turn out alright - more than alright - perfect.

Things That Make Me Smile...

26 Happiest Animals, #19

Secret To Happiness: An unabashed sense of wonder at the everyday marvels that the world has to offer. 
Favorite Thing: Being a little owl.

Losing Touch or Gaining Ground?

I've been reading back over some of my recent-ish posts, and I'm wondering where I've gone. Where this person who trusted so easily, believed so surely and lived so freely has gone. 

All those times I talked about the light in the darkness... It seems I didn't know what real darkness was like.

I can't see how I had that much faith, how I could keep going. I'm not even sure I want to know. 

The fact is, I've fallen further than I thought I could, I've reached a place I never knew existed. And not only do I not like it, I'm struggling to see a way out. I'm struggling to understand this word 'hope' and to see it not overcome, but overcoming. 

I'd like to say that I wish I could just reread how I was, that I could somehow conjure up faith and strength, that it would be easy... and yes, I would like this, but that seems like a cop out, like a non-answer or like painkillers: they take away the pain but don't actually heal you.

I am so tired, mentally, emotionally, physically... but I don't want this to come from my head. The problem is with my heart and that's where I need to change my attitude. Heart change takes more effort than head change, but heart change gets to the problem, heart change sorts me out from the inside out. 

Heart change is hard. I hope you'll be with me, and give me strength to see you, to keep going.

Lately....

"And if you're broken I will mend you, and I keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on"

"I'm out of touch, I'm out of love...."

"I'll pick you up when you're feeling down"

"And out of all these things you've done, I think I love you better now..."

Chasing the blues away....