Dear You,

It's like there's an invisible tally chart - every hurtful thing you say gets notched up, and is irrefutable proof of my worthlessness, and your contempt and apathy. Not because it's you, but because it's me.

It's like trying to buy the perfect pair of shoes, but you're blindfolded and you don't know what your feet look like. I will be taking medication until I find the one that fits. Then I will continue to take it for as long as I can. Understand this!

Two numbers on a certificate does not change me, does not sort me out, does not mean I am 100%.

I try to be good. I do. All my life you've reminded me I have to be good and I try.

If I fail, you're all there to let me know. So I have to do well, and I have to make sure I've won. 

I'm more fragile than you think. 

Every good thing I do, you tear to pieces. I am my own worst critic, I don't need you to join in as well. But you miss understood, and you patronise me now. 

You watched on when others hurt me, because I'm bigger and older you say it's fair when this happens. 

You say I'm negative, that I can only think of the bad, that my vision is skewed. If yes, why don't you help me? Why doesn't it make you wonder why I can only see the bad in things?

You are not special or unique in what you think of me. You are one of many. But of all of them, it was not supposed to be you. It was not supposed to be you.

And I can tell you none of this.