Losing Touch or Gaining Ground?

I've been reading back over some of my recent-ish posts, and I'm wondering where I've gone. Where this person who trusted so easily, believed so surely and lived so freely has gone. 

All those times I talked about the light in the darkness... It seems I didn't know what real darkness was like.

I can't see how I had that much faith, how I could keep going. I'm not even sure I want to know. 

The fact is, I've fallen further than I thought I could, I've reached a place I never knew existed. And not only do I not like it, I'm struggling to see a way out. I'm struggling to understand this word 'hope' and to see it not overcome, but overcoming. 

I'd like to say that I wish I could just reread how I was, that I could somehow conjure up faith and strength, that it would be easy... and yes, I would like this, but that seems like a cop out, like a non-answer or like painkillers: they take away the pain but don't actually heal you.

I am so tired, mentally, emotionally, physically... but I don't want this to come from my head. The problem is with my heart and that's where I need to change my attitude. Heart change takes more effort than head change, but heart change gets to the problem, heart change sorts me out from the inside out. 

Heart change is hard. I hope you'll be with me, and give me strength to see you, to keep going.

Lately....

"And if you're broken I will mend you, and I keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on"

"I'm out of touch, I'm out of love...."

"I'll pick you up when you're feeling down"

"And out of all these things you've done, I think I love you better now..."

Chasing the blues away....

Perspective

Where are you stood?

Process or Product?

Does the Journey matter more than the Destination?

Or is it simply a means to an end?

You could argue either way I guess:

"And I'm so glad that this has taken me so long, 'cause it's the journey that has made me so strong"

"It's not the long walk home that will change this heart, but the welcome I receive with every restart"

If I walk to uni or get the bus there, either way I arrive at my lecture. So then the journey counts for nothing, I arrived all the same.

But if I walk I'm exercising and getting stronger, I can breathe in fresh air & arrive refreshed and ready to concentrate. And then the journey matters alot, it changes how effective I am at studying.

Ultimately my end goal is heaven. Whatever happens to me now is of little significance, I will still make it, I have been saved for eternity. How I live my life appears not to matter, after all it's not the long walk home that will change this heart... I could easily leave here & spend the rest of my days hiding out until the world ends or I die. If the end product remains the same no matter what, why bother with a journey?

Growing is part of the journey; asking, listening, drinking in the world, questioning, watching, learning, creating, loving, breaking & mending. These things are life giving, an innate desire of being human. If I don't take in the journey, how will I know when I've arrived? It's the journey that makes us strong, that teaches us how to live, to be alive. The journey is vibrant, colourful, messy & so worth it.

But which is more important? To simply arrive at the destination or to relish in the process of getting there regardless of where it is that I arrive?

I think the answer is....neither. I cannot deny myself the pleasure of living, to feel alive, hear the wind in the trees, soak up the sun & take shelter from the rain; but simultaneously I cannot forget the end result. To take joy in both...that would mean embracing all that is now & all that will be. 

Indoors Day

I wish I could spend everyday folding paper & taking pictures of thing I like....

Courage, Dear Heart.

One of my favourite bits in Narnia is during the voyage of the Dawn Treador. The ship & crew have just sailed into darkness, and cannot seem to break out. Lucy cries out to Aslan and nothing seems to happen. Then, an albatross appears, swooping around the ship before sailing ahead of it to lead it out of the darkness. But what no one else hears is that as the albatross circles the ship it whispers to Lucy: "Courage, dear heart, courage.".

When I'm in my darkest place, and it feels like the is no way out, 'courage dear heart' is what I long to hear. To know someone beside me coaxing me on, pushing me forward, leading me out.

So often I can't hear this, this week has felt so quiet, so confusing. It takes all my strength & energy to remember who's yoke is light, who's burden is easy to bear, the one who whispers encouragement and lifts me up out of the mud & mire.

I still long for that whisper. I still search for his encouragement. Where can I find it? There is no albatross above me. But I find it in his heart: The joy of the Lord is my strength and this joy is Jesus, his salvation that saves.

Courage, dear heart...

A Battle of Wills

As the haunting melodies fill my ears I can dream myself away from this icy path, from its glaring street lights, from the fears I've faced up to today, and the ones which are yet to come.

Dreams are an easy way to escape reality, to forget and to pretend.

I don't want to forget what this is like, this living. There's a battle of wills each day and I have to chose which way to go.

I can hide my head in the sand, run away, ignore the warning signs & the help.

Or I can embrace the brokenness, lean on Him & his peace that passes all understanding. I can rest in his goodness and know him walking beside me. I can give up all hope of fixing myself, and go where he leads me. For he will not leave or forsake me, he will not abandon me to my darkest despair.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Consider him, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Heart Recovery

"Ohh, your heart is broken
To your surprise
You're sick of crying
For blue eyes
So tired of living
Misunderstood
Think hard woman
I think you should"

Why is it a surprise to find your heart broken, to find yourself crying, so tired of living? Our world is broken...why is this so hard to understand?

I'm sick of crying for blue eyes, so tired of living, misunderstood. I'm surprised my heart is broken, but really, why? I was so set on blue eyes, I forgot all else. But blue eyes were never going to fix me. My heart was always going to get broken if I let it.

But no one wants to admit they were wrong, that they needed help... To stop and take stock of feelings and feel this...brokenness. It's scary, it's big, and I don't know how to deal with it.

Heart recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. This takes time and energy, sorting through the muddle till we get to the other side.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." There's encouragement in that.